RESISTANCE: My Self-Portrait Journey (Part 1)

So I’ve been trying to schedule and commit to my self-portrait session for many, many months now, and it always seems like there are other things that take priority. And here I am, the night before my shoot, and I’m resisting it again. I had one of my clients cancel this week, so I don’t even have the excuse that having three shoots back-to-back would be too much. So here I am, sitting with that and asking myself… why? Why am I resisting this?

I’ve had so many clients feel this exact same way—nervous, scared, unsure. Some of them cancel, and others push through, and every single one who does ends up so grateful that they did. I understand that. I’ve seen it over and over again. But I want to go a little deeper for myself right now and really understand what’s coming up for me.

Side note: It’s been two years since my last full raw portrait session. I’ve evolved so much since then. 

So anyway, my discovery through journaling was this…I’ve been feeling so good on the inside lately—so confident, so healthy… emotionally, physically, spiritually. And I think what I’m afraid of is that what I see won’t match how I feel. I’m afraid it might actually do the opposite of what I witness for my clients.

There’s this part of me that feels like I can’t capture myself the way I capture others, because I can’t be both the subject and the photographer behind the camera at the same time. And yet, I’ve been doing self-portraits for over 30 years. I know how to set it up. I know how to step into it… I’ve done this before. I think that’s just a defense mechanism I’m using right now.

So I’m going to do it. I’m going to allow myself to step into this uncomfortable place, because I also know what it gave me before. It’s what made room for the Just BE experience to come alive. And that alone feels important enough to move through the resistance.

I’m choosing to make myself a priority so that I can truly see myself. And if things come up for me tomorrow, I trust that they’re meant to. This is me. And I do love me… more than ever. I just think there’s just a part of me that’s afraid I’ll slip back into old patterns of self-judgment and negative self-talk.

I hope… I really hope… that I get to experience what my clients do. That I get to feel moved, maybe even surprised. That I get to see my own beauty and my own evolution reflected back to me in a way that changes how I see myself. That I find a new level of compassion and grace that continues to grow as I do. Stay tuned for Part 2: Shoot Day.