“From the Stage”: The first step

So recently, something presented itself to me that feels like the Universe pretty much created it just for me, however it is completely terrifying to me and will be taking me way beyond my comfort zone. I’ve been going back and forth for weeks but have finally said YES.

A little backstory… I recently photographed an amazing woman who is a performer (and so much more of course). During our time together, I shared with her that I’ve been playing guitar and singing off and on for over 40 years, and that I’ve always had this pull to do an open mic someday—but I’ve never done it. I’ve only played in front of a handful of people, and every time I do, I’m nervous as hell. It’s always been uncomfortable for me to really let myself go and play and sing from my heart in front of others.

I don’t have a great voice, and my guitar skills are pretty mediocre—but it makes me feel good when I do it. And this pull to be on stage hasn’t gone away.

After photographing this incredible woman, I learned that she has created an offering for people who have maybe always wanted to be on stage but didn’t feel ready… or felt too scared, or too this, or too that. She’s created a space for people to step into an experiential process of being seen—through the fear and the discomfort. Not for the sake of being talented or showing off, but for the sake of pushing through and allowing yourself to be seen… with all of the “cringe”, as she puts it, included.

Oh, let me tell you—the past couple of weeks, I’ve had SO many conversations going on inside of me.

Deep down, I’ve known that YES is the answer. I will step out of my comfort zone and face this fear. How could I shut the door on the Universe handing me something like this? As terrifying as it feels, I know I wouldn’t be okay with not doing it. So after talking myself in and out of it over and over again for weeks, I finally committed.

I feel like I need to share that this is more than just a little stage fright for me.

I have a long history of a HUGE fear of public speaking and being put on the spot. We’re talking paralyzing fear. Panic attacks. The kind that completely takes over my body. One could argue that I’m in over my head here—sometimes I still think that myself—but I’m ready to face this head-on. I no longer want the fear of my fear to stop me from living my life.

What’s the worst that could happen?

Maybe I’ll pass out on stage. Maybe I’ll run off without saying a word. Maybe I’ll just stand there, shaking, scared, unable to speak. Well… so what. Even if any of those things happen, at least I will have tried.

And what if I surprise myself?

What if I don’t have a panic attack? What if this is the beginning of learning how to move through it—learning how to “handle it”—while knowing that I’m actually safe after all? What if I learn something along the way that helps me understand myself better and stops it from blocking me from things I want to experience and do?

The bottom line is: I have no f****** idea what will happen by me saying yes to this. I have to be ok with the unknown.

It’s a four-week commitment where I curate some kind of performance, with the help and guidance of this beautiful woman who clearly has so much wisdom to share about how to do this. My intention is to stay grounded in my body throughout this process, give myself grace and compassion, and allow myself to be in a situation I’ve spent most of my life running from. I want to trust that I can handle whatever comes up—and remain open to the gifts that may unfold.

So… I’ll be documenting this journey as I go. I’ll share pieces of it on social media in short bullet points, and the fuller story here as I walk this walk.

I’m literally shaking as I type this—just like I was when I committed to the experience. And yet, in the days that followed, I noticed myself feeling more confident. More present. More aware of how important it is for me to stay here, in this moment, instead of jumping ahead and anticipating what my first meeting will be like. And then a few days later I did have a panic attack trying to picture myself actually doing this. Roller coaster already! But…

I’m saying YES. I’m going to let it unfold.
I’m going to show up.
And I’m going to be as present as I possibly can every step of the way.

Stay tuned.